Hope Deferred

We all wear masks
When we go to work, we put on the mask of professionalism, courtesy, and confidence
When we are with our friends, we put on the mask of having it all together, of easy social prowess, and witty dialogue
When we are at church, we put on the mask that suppresses anything of ourselves that might be judged, whether it actually would be or not
When we are with our parents, we put on the mask of wholeness, never letting it slip that we are struggling so very hard inside, because they have enough to worry about

So who then sees the real me?
To whom do I show my real face?
With whom do I toss aside all masks, all disguise?

To You, to You I show my real face
Not because I want to
But because I can show nothing else
Your gaze pierces my charade
And You see the real me
A broken mess
An accusing finger
A sobbing well of unfulfilled dreams
The anger over a life I thought was owed to me

I scream, "Where are You?"
And yet You see me
I yell with running tears, "Do You even care?"
And yet You listen to my cry
I accuse You of all that I know You are not
And yet You are there
I ask with trembling resignation, "Have You forgotten me?"
And yet You refuse to leave

Perhaps You would comfort me
If I didn't push You away
Perhaps You would speak reassuring words to my soul
If I didn't refuse to hear them
My anger consumes me
The pain is too much to bear
A kind word from You
Feels like salt on an open wound
For the gap between what You promise
And what I can see
Is a chasm far too wide
Is this a sick game to You?
Why create me to desire Your call
And then keep my dreams just beyond my fingertips?
The pain is too much to bear

God, why?

Just one more day
Just the thought of still being where I am today
After a year has passed
Makes me sick to my stomach
So give me strength
For just one more day
Sustain me
Hold me close
Be my Father
And never stop speaking Hope
Even when I scream at You to stop
You know what I need
You see my pain
Never leave
Be my Father