Hol. Report 3: Halloween

If you're like me, you hate Halloween. If you're a moderate, you don't agree with halloweenist practices. Either way, Halloween is not your favorite day. You may wish you could do something about Halloween, that you could stop it from happening every year. Well, I used to think the same way. But there's something you should know, the people who celebrate Halloween... you know, instead of just telling you (how boring!), I'm going to tell you a story to illustrate my point.

October 31, any year in the 21st century.
One cold windy night, a boy named Will lay crouched near a building,
with a water gun loaded.

Will waited. He pumped his gun for probably the fifth time. All was set. In five minutes, he and the rest would attack. He thought of everything that brought him here. His earnest desire to see Halloween stopped, the meeting, the orders over Amazon.com... He slipped into a memory.

1 month prior to this point...

Will flopped on his bed and stared at the ceiling. He was frustrated again. As he always was this time of year. He was tired of having to stare at the ground whenever he went with his mom to go get groceries. He was tired of covering his little brothers' eyes. He was tired of Halloween.
Every year he loathed going to any public buildings, knowing that they were decorated with witches, ghosts, and monsters.

They have Christmas, a day set aside to celebrate Jesus's birth. They have Easter, a day set aside to celebrate Jesus's resurrection. And they have Halloween, a day set aside to celebrate evil. Don't we have enough of that going on every day? Why do we need a whole day to do more of it?

Will got frustrated again. If only we could do something about Halloween. Get the town to abolish it. Will rolled his eyes. Yeah, sure. That'll happen. If only we could stop it from happening. Stop the people as they come out on the night October 31st...
Will smiled. That's it! He ran downstairs and grabbed the phone. It was time for a neighborhood meeting.

That afternoon, at Will's garage...

The garage was humming with over 20 kids talking. Will tried to speak but was being drowned out. Suddenly, someone yelled, "Quiet! Talk Abram! I mean, Will."
"Thanks, Mathew," Will answered. He cleared his throat and said, "I believe all of you are aware that in just three weeks, Halloween will occur. I know you are probably frustrated, like me, that we can't do anything about this. But I have a plan. We can do something about this. I am suggesting that we fight back! But this is going to take every one of you. There are about 40 kids who want to celebrate Halloween, and only 20 if us. Whoever wants to stop Halloween this year, raise your hand."

Twenty kids raised their hands. Will smiled and said, "Here's the plan, we are going to split ourselves up into 3 groups. The first group will consist of 10 kids. These kids will be the main force. They are to be called the Attack Force. The second group will consist of 5 kids. These will be the Bazooka Team. The last group is the the Sniper Team. I want each of you to pitch in five dollars to buy supplies. With it, I'm going to order over Amazon.com, ten water guns, five Nerf launchers, and five sniper Nerf guns. They should arrive in a week. If you agree to this plan, raise your hand." It was unanimous.

1 and 1/2 weeks later, in the Will's backyard...

"How's it going, Mathew?" Will asked.
"Great, the Sniper Team is accustomed to the weapons, the Bazooka Team has already fashioned the Nerf launchers to shoot tennis balls, and the Attack Force has the water supply under control. What next?"

Will motioned at the training kids and yelled, "Everyone, come here!" After everyone was situated, Will said, "You've had enough training, it's time for some surveillance. Sniper Team, take these," Will handed them a box, "And bug the houses of everyone in favor of Halloween. I'll listen in on their plans from my computer. Everything they say should come to my network. Continue watching until further orders.

"Bazooka Team and Attack Force, continue training. And here's the walkie talkies for the officers." Will handed them the walkie talkies. Will smiled and said, "We should be ready by Halloween."

In the house of Bruce...

"My house was bugged!" exclaimed Bruce. He turned to Toby and said, "Someone was spying on us. And I want to find out who it is! Do you have any idea who could be spying on me?"

Toby shrugged and was about to say that he had no idea, but then he thought for a moment. He turned to Bruce and said, "You know, I have noticed a lot of kids going to Will's house. And a lot of packages came to his five days ago. Do you think they're gathering to spy on other people in the neighborhood?"

"I don't know," Bruce answered. "But we're going to find out."

Toby's eyes bugged out and he uttered, "We?"

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At Will's backyard, behind his fence...
lies Bruce and Toby...
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"Well, what do you know..." Bruce mused as he watched the Attack Force training. "It looks like they're planning on soaking us."

"What?" said Toby, confused. "How do you know they're going to get us?"

"We and the rest of the kids in this neighborhood are the only ones they could be targeting. You know who they are, right?"

"Water gun shooters?"
"No! Christians! You know they're against Halloween! When do you suppose they're going to attack?"
"Uh... On Election Day?"
"No! On October 31st! They're going to soak us during our 'trick or treating'. Who do you think we're going to tell about this?"
"The President of the Uni..."
"Don't answer that question! Don't answer! Come on, we got to tell the rest of the gang. We only have two and a half weeks to order some weapons of our own. Come on, before somebody spots... Ahh!"
He was shot by a sniper Nerf bullet. Somewhere on top of Will's house, a sniper found its mark. Toby's eyes grew wide and said, "Bruce, hold on! My big brother was a lifeguard! I know what do! I have my first aid kit here. All I need it a bandage, a..."
"Oh, be quiet, stupid!" Bruce snapped. "It was just a Nerf bullet! I only yelled because it scared me... Wait, you carry a first aid kit around all the time?"
Toby got embarrassed and said, "I don't need to. I can stop any time I want. I don't have a problem!"
Bruce grabbed Toby by the sleeve and dodged another bullet. "Stop talking and run! Before they recognize us!"
The sniper recognized them. He ran to tell Will. This wasn't going to be a prank anymore. It was going to be full-scale war.

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Bruce's house... a military meeting...
October 31st...
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"I want 15 'trick or treaters' to get to the houses. They will consist of five groups. One kid will be a 'trick or treater' the other two will carry water guns to defend them. I want 25 kids to carry water guns and water grenades. The 'trick or treaters will go on with their mission. I want the 25 to hide nearby in case they're ambushed. Ant questions?" Bruce scanned the room.

"I have a question," said Toby.

Bruce sighed and said, "What is it?"

"What's the capital of Turkey?"

"Istanbul. What does that have to do with any..."

"Are penguins the most likely to take over the world?"

"Yes, but, what does this have to do with..."

"What's the chief export of Slovakia?"

"Slovakian guerrillas. Now, there are no more questions so..."

"One last question. Do we get a bathroom break during these meetings?"

"Yes. Go! Any questio... Never mind. Let's Go!

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Will's house... a military meeting...
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"You know the plan! Let's go!"

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The present time...
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"Enemy spotted!" yelled a kid.

"Call in the snipers! After they're in position, attack!"

The "trick or treaters" were spotted ringing a doorbell. After the snipers confirmed that they had a clear view of the house, Will's troops attacked.

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Bill Fillington's house...
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Bill heard his doorbell ring at 10:00 at night. He was watching the History of the Great Armadillo Migration on the Unknown Facts Channel. He decided to open the door and give the kids outside a little surprise. He opened the and just as the kids yelled "trick or treat", Bill blasted them will silly string. Two seconds after, Will's troops soaked the "trick or treaters". Bruce's kids were hiding in the nearby bush. As they charged, they were hit with a shower of Nerf bullets. They stopped to see where it came from, but it was too late. Before they knew it, they were hit with ten water grenades. This process repeated itself at every street.

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Epilogue
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Bruce and his troops surrendered on October 31st 11:12 P.M. They're weapons were all surrendered to the Christians. On November 1st, Bruce decided to hold Halloween on that day to make up for the lost night. But his plans were cut short by a storm... That only occurred in his neighborhood. The next year, Halloween wasn't celebrated in that neighborhood, for without weapons, Bruce could never hope to succeed without being soaked.

Grocery stores were still decorated with ghosts, witches, etc., destroying Will's original goal. At 10:00 A.M. November 1st, Will realized that the only way to completely stop Halloween was to change the hearts of those who celebrated it. Why did he come to this conclusion on November 1st? I think it's pretty obvious.

Back to the blogger...
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My point is that you can't force people to stop celebrating Halloween, the change has got to begin on the inside. But that doesn't mean we shouldn't stop murderers because we have to wait for them to change. This concept applies only to Halloween and a few other circumstances. When will this change occur? I believe it will happen sooner that you think.

This blog was sponsored by the American Penguin Factory and Babies Incorporated.