DS Report 12: The Renegade Penguin

Late, one Saturday night at the American Penguin Factory...
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A steel bar fell to the floor with a clank. A metal file was dropped shortly thereafter. A lone figure hopped out of the cage. He unscrewed the vent, and climbed through. He ended up on the outside of the building. He ran towards the nearest Target store.
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After stealing some stilts, phone books, and a pizza hut pizza, he waited in the parking lot. After a few minutes, a car pulled into a parking place. The lone figure made his move. Before the driver could roll up the window, the figure had jumped on him, and slapped him hard. He pushed the unconscious driver out of the car. The figure tied the stilts to his feet, placed three phone books on the seat, and started the ignition. He drove for the residential area. It was time for some C-4.
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The next day, at Bill Fillington's house...


To Bill, this day began like any other. He got up, took a shower, dressed himself, and went downstairs to eat breakfast so he could go to work. Just as he was pouring himself a bowlful of mini-frosted Wheaties, a plate wiggled. Slowly, Bill turned his head. Assuming it was his imagination, he went back to his cereal. But then, his barbecue grill moved a bit. Bill's eyes darted from left to right. The box that held his rock collection fell off the counter. Bill quickly got up and grabbed his baseball bat.
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He picked up the box and noticed the bright yellow rock was missing. He noticed that his chemistry set, which was on the counter a second ago, was gone. A cupboard squeaked. He slowly walked up to it. With one hand on the bat, he reached out his free hand and grabbed the lid on the cupboard. He quickly opened it. Nothing was out of place, except that his pen holder was empty. He looked inside, and the ink tubes and points of the pens were the only things left. The larger tubes which held the ink tubes, were missing. So was his ball of string. He heard no strange sounds for the rest of the day.
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Back at the American Penguin Factory...
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With no concern for his fellow penguins, the lone figure, which turns out to be a penguin, placed his home-made dynamite on the key parts of the building. He made the gunpowder out of charcoal from Bill's grill and sulfur from his rock collection. He filled the empty pen tubes with the powder, then tied them together and made fuses with Bill's string. These things were easy to find around the neighborhood, so he had 15 sticks of dynamite.
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He connected all the fuses together into one fuse, and pulled out a match. Now he would get revenge on all the penguins who made fun of his dreams of escape. He would get revenge on those factory workers who tazored him for pure enjoyment. He lit the fuse.
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Inside the factory...
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Jim Hystin, a packager at the factory, heard a sound he only heard on Independence Day. The burning of a fuse. He quickly searched for the source of the sound. While he was looking, he heard the penguins squeal and make penguin noises. He ran to the cages. All the penguins were pointing to the main fuse, which was about to branch off into separate fuses. Jim quickly grabbed a penguin from the cage. He pressed the penguin against the fire. It fizzled out.


Epilogue
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Although the penguin was burnt, the factory was saved. Jim quickly called animal control, who took the penguin to the CSPP (California State Penguin Penitentiary). After a couple of mug shots, the matter was resolved. The renegade penguin was sentenced to ten years in the San Diego Sea World penguin exhibit. After five years, the Great Penguin Escape of 2007 occurred. But that's another story. You've heard of bad bunnies, but have you ever wondered what will happen, when good penguins... go bad.
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This blog is sponsored by the American Penguin Factory and Munchkin Enterprises.

Blog Stoppage no. 1

No one has blogged in weeks, so I hereby declare a blog stoppage. Whoever is the first one to break the blog stoppage with a blog, is declared the official Stoppage Breaker. He or she is now responsible for being the first one to break blog stoppages whenever issued. The Stoppage Breaker will keep his or her title until someone else breaks a blog stoppage first. The longer a blog stoppage stays unbroken, the more annoying comments appear on your blog. Have a nice day.

Can you decode these messages?

Here are a few messages in code. After each code, a hint will follow. Type your answers at the comment area. Looking at the alphabet will help you.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Crwwv Mliivtmeq!

Hint: This code can only be decoded if you know the code number. You may discover this number through trial and error, or I can give it to you. It's three. Take each letter, and go up the alphabet three letters.

16,1,21,12 2,21,14,25,1,14

Hint: I think you can figure this one out. Just remember, there are 26 letters in the alphabet.

Now, this one is a combination of the last two:

13,2,26,12,16 25,6,12,12

Hint: I you're on the letter "B", and you have to go back three letters, you go A, Z, Y.

Wcm dr ymtq ceqm?

Hint: This one involves a code word instead of a code number. Look below. Substitute the first part of the alphabet with a code word. Then continue the alphabet, skipping the letters in your code word.

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
G L OV E A B C D F H I J K M N P Q R S T U W X Y Z

Lastly, you can make your own code, substituting letters with different ones. And don't forget to answer the question in the code above. Leave your answer in the comment area.

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DS Report 11: Nuclear Pacifiers

You heard me right... uh, read me right. Nuclear pacifiers. Have you ever heard of nuclear submarines? Well, this is a nuclear pacifier. It glows in the dark, and sounds an alarm whenever it senses foreign taste buds. This is all powered by a small nuclear power plant in the knob of the pacifier. Although nuclear energy is very powerful, it's quite dangerous. You see, if you to crack the plastic covering, the pacifier explodes in a powerful mushroom explosion. It's dangerous, but innovative.



But why am I talking about this? To be honest, I wanted to squeeze one more blog into June. Remember the advantages of nuclear energy. But also remember the dangers. One time, there was this baby who chewed his pacifier for five hours straight. This caused the pacifier to explode. Fortunately, the baby was unharmed. He had to go to the hospital for a few weeks, but he was covered by Munchkin Insurance. Also remember that over chewing can be a problem when it comes to nuclear pacifiers.



You're probably wondering why you would want a pacifier that glows in the dark. Well, here's a story about a boy whose baby brother was lost somewhere in the house. There was a power outage, so it was hard to find him. The boy didn't exactly see his baby brother, he saw a glowing pacifier floating in the air. That's the benefit of glow-in-the-dark pacifiers.



So why have a sensor for foreign taste buds? So that other people don't suck on the baby's pacifier. Well, it's dinner time, so I have to answer the call of my stomach. If you are reading this during a meal time, answer the call.

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DS Report 10: Two Silly Songs

Downright Silly report 10! I've written my tenth DS Report!

Here are two songs I made up in my spare time.

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The Song of the Salesmen on the road

(sung by two salesmen)

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got an extension cord in the trunk that's over 15 feet!

Door jams, door slams, they're all part of the job.

One guy who slammed the door on me, his name sure wasn't Bob!

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got a crocodile in the trunk that's over 15 feet!

Gun shots, mug shots, they're all part of the job.

If we don't start being polite, we'll chased home by an angry mob!

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We're moving right along, it's the time to sell.

People will buy things at $19.95 for something as simple as a bell.

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got a ladder in the trunk that's over 15 feet!

Colonel Sanders, he's part of the job.

He gave us some fried chicken along with a corn on the cob!

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got an alligator in the back that's over 15 feet!

Funny screws, number two's, they're all part of the job.

We sell phony items like a greasy door knob!

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Moving right along!

Moving right along!

We sell things from 5 frogs to a toad.

And we don't need a map to keep this show on the road!

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The angry mob song.

(sung by the angry mob in beauty and the beast)

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Let's slay the beast tonight!

Let's slay the beast! All right!

'Cause it's our job to be an angry mob!

Let's slay the beast!

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Let's grab our faithful steeds.

With Gaston and La foo in the lead.

Let's go! Me and you.
With Gaston and his pal, La foo.
Yeah! Let's slay the beast!

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Let's slay the beast tonight!
Let's slay the beast! All right!
'Cause it's our job to be an angry mob!
Let's slay the beast!

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Let's cut down a mighty tree!

Then we'll break the door down on three!

Let's tighten our saddle girths!

Then we'll destroy Cogsworth!

Let's slay the beast!

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Let's slay the beast tonight!

Let's slay the beast! All right!

'Cause it's our job to be an angry mob!

Let's slay the beast!

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Yep. You're wondering how I think of these things. Don't ask.

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DS Report 9: When Bunnies go bad

"Hey, mom! Look! A cute little bunny!" A little girl yells.
She walks up to the bunny. The bunny is chewing on some lettuce.
"It's okay," she says, "We're friends. Here. Let me pet you"
She bends down to pet the bunny. She reaches out her hand and then...
Chomp!
The girl screams and runs for her mother. The bunny bit her.

What will do, when bunnies go bad?

Believe me, I've seen this happen before. Beware... of the Ninja Bunnies! Along with their friends: The Samurai Bunnies! Do not trust their cute looks. Deep down in their fur, is pure evil! These bunnies, once honorable bunnies, have gone bad! This seems hopeless, doesn't it? I bet your wondering how to defeat these evil bunnies, aren't you? You aren't? Oh. Well, I'll tell you anyway. These bunnies are particularly vulnerable to... high caffeine soda. Yep, that's right. Just leave a bowl of high caffeine soda out in the open, wait for a bunny to drink it, and watch. The bunny will run around uncontrollably until it hits a tree. That's when you have it. Okay, evil bunnies don't exist... yet. But try it. Just to see what happens to the bunny.

Next time you see a bunny, ask yourself this: What will I do... when bunnies go bad?

BT Report 3: School's Out!

"BT" stands for Big Time


School's Out!


I am done with school! Are you? Well, what are you going to spend your time doing this summer? How about SeaWorld? LegoLand? The Beach? The Baby Museum? The Kitchen? I'll be spending every night at the last place I mentioned.


Message to all bloggers:


Go to the "layout" section of your blog, and click "Add a page element". There, you will find a thing that says, "blog list". It's an advanced version of the "links list". Type in your favorite blogs, and the blog list will show the blogs you listed. It will also show you what their latest post is, and tell you how long ago they wrote it! It's an awesome feature.

Message to all readers:

Check the right side of my blog. There you will see that feature. Oh, and don't forget to watch out for killer penguins. They're dangerous. But there is a rumor that some penguins are good. Have you seen any penguins that are good? Comment on this blog and name them.

Did You Know? Fact 5

And now... It's time for... Did You Know?


Fact 5: Did you know that the song "Rock A-Bye Baby" has a tune that puts you to sleep, but has lyrics that give you nightmares?! I mean really! How you ever looked closely at the words?


Rock a-bye baby, on the tree top
when the wind blows, the cradle will fall.


Who wrote those words?! I have a few choice words for that guy! Like, "what", and "were", and "you", and "thinking". The words are enough to make you sick! How can he sing that song without being disgusted!


What's that? You already knew that? Well then, smarty, Did you know that the song "Ring Around the Rosie" is also a disgusting song? Look closely at the lyrics.


Ring around rosie, pockets full of posies
Ashes, ashes, we all fall down! (Annoying Laughter)


This actually is a song of ridicule. Ridicule of the bubonic plague (AKA The Black Death). You heard me right, the Black Death. All it takes is one person to catch it, then one sneeze in the wrong direction... Boom! It spreads like fire. This caused dark rings on the victims face, explaining the first part of the first verse. The superstitious peasants filled their pockets with posies (or flowers) to ward of the disease, explaining the second part of the first verse. The bodies were then burned to prevent the spreading of the disease, causing ashes, and explaining the first part of the second verse. The plague struck people so fast that they could be sneezing in the morning and dead by evening. Some fell down when their sudden death struck, explaining the second part of the second verse.


From now on, whenever you sing "Rock A-Bye Baby" or "Ring Around the Rosie", you know the ugly truth.


Well, you know it now! And don't you forget it!

Did You Know? Fact 4

And now, it's time for... Did You Know?

Fact 4: Did you know that the state that consumes the most ice cream is Alaska? Did you know that you can buy a domesticated penguin off the Internet? Did you know that most weather reports have a 50% chance of being 50% wrong? Did you know that when I sleep, I make sounds like Chewbacca? Did you know that turtle meat can be used to make turtle soup? Did you know that penguins were once hunted and used for oil? Did you know that when one sheep jumps off a cliff, the rest follow it? Did you know that "sanguine" is the only word that rhymes with "penguin"?

Well, you know it now! And don't you forget it!

DS Report 8: Funny Pictures 2