DS Report 11: Nuclear Pacifiers

You heard me right... uh, read me right. Nuclear pacifiers. Have you ever heard of nuclear submarines? Well, this is a nuclear pacifier. It glows in the dark, and sounds an alarm whenever it senses foreign taste buds. This is all powered by a small nuclear power plant in the knob of the pacifier. Although nuclear energy is very powerful, it's quite dangerous. You see, if you to crack the plastic covering, the pacifier explodes in a powerful mushroom explosion. It's dangerous, but innovative.



But why am I talking about this? To be honest, I wanted to squeeze one more blog into June. Remember the advantages of nuclear energy. But also remember the dangers. One time, there was this baby who chewed his pacifier for five hours straight. This caused the pacifier to explode. Fortunately, the baby was unharmed. He had to go to the hospital for a few weeks, but he was covered by Munchkin Insurance. Also remember that over chewing can be a problem when it comes to nuclear pacifiers.



You're probably wondering why you would want a pacifier that glows in the dark. Well, here's a story about a boy whose baby brother was lost somewhere in the house. There was a power outage, so it was hard to find him. The boy didn't exactly see his baby brother, he saw a glowing pacifier floating in the air. That's the benefit of glow-in-the-dark pacifiers.



So why have a sensor for foreign taste buds? So that other people don't suck on the baby's pacifier. Well, it's dinner time, so I have to answer the call of my stomach. If you are reading this during a meal time, answer the call.

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DS Report 10: Two Silly Songs

Downright Silly report 10! I've written my tenth DS Report!

Here are two songs I made up in my spare time.

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The Song of the Salesmen on the road

(sung by two salesmen)

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got an extension cord in the trunk that's over 15 feet!

Door jams, door slams, they're all part of the job.

One guy who slammed the door on me, his name sure wasn't Bob!

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got a crocodile in the trunk that's over 15 feet!

Gun shots, mug shots, they're all part of the job.

If we don't start being polite, we'll chased home by an angry mob!

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We're moving right along, it's the time to sell.

People will buy things at $19.95 for something as simple as a bell.

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got a ladder in the trunk that's over 15 feet!

Colonel Sanders, he's part of the job.

He gave us some fried chicken along with a corn on the cob!

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We're moving right along, with prices that can't be beat!

We've got an alligator in the back that's over 15 feet!

Funny screws, number two's, they're all part of the job.

We sell phony items like a greasy door knob!

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Moving right along!

Moving right along!

We sell things from 5 frogs to a toad.

And we don't need a map to keep this show on the road!

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The angry mob song.

(sung by the angry mob in beauty and the beast)

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Let's slay the beast tonight!

Let's slay the beast! All right!

'Cause it's our job to be an angry mob!

Let's slay the beast!

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Let's grab our faithful steeds.

With Gaston and La foo in the lead.

Let's go! Me and you.
With Gaston and his pal, La foo.
Yeah! Let's slay the beast!

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Let's slay the beast tonight!
Let's slay the beast! All right!
'Cause it's our job to be an angry mob!
Let's slay the beast!

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Let's cut down a mighty tree!

Then we'll break the door down on three!

Let's tighten our saddle girths!

Then we'll destroy Cogsworth!

Let's slay the beast!

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Let's slay the beast tonight!

Let's slay the beast! All right!

'Cause it's our job to be an angry mob!

Let's slay the beast!

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Yep. You're wondering how I think of these things. Don't ask.

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DS Report 9: When Bunnies go bad

"Hey, mom! Look! A cute little bunny!" A little girl yells.
She walks up to the bunny. The bunny is chewing on some lettuce.
"It's okay," she says, "We're friends. Here. Let me pet you"
She bends down to pet the bunny. She reaches out her hand and then...
Chomp!
The girl screams and runs for her mother. The bunny bit her.

What will do, when bunnies go bad?

Believe me, I've seen this happen before. Beware... of the Ninja Bunnies! Along with their friends: The Samurai Bunnies! Do not trust their cute looks. Deep down in their fur, is pure evil! These bunnies, once honorable bunnies, have gone bad! This seems hopeless, doesn't it? I bet your wondering how to defeat these evil bunnies, aren't you? You aren't? Oh. Well, I'll tell you anyway. These bunnies are particularly vulnerable to... high caffeine soda. Yep, that's right. Just leave a bowl of high caffeine soda out in the open, wait for a bunny to drink it, and watch. The bunny will run around uncontrollably until it hits a tree. That's when you have it. Okay, evil bunnies don't exist... yet. But try it. Just to see what happens to the bunny.

Next time you see a bunny, ask yourself this: What will I do... when bunnies go bad?

BT Report 3: School's Out!

"BT" stands for Big Time


School's Out!


I am done with school! Are you? Well, what are you going to spend your time doing this summer? How about SeaWorld? LegoLand? The Beach? The Baby Museum? The Kitchen? I'll be spending every night at the last place I mentioned.


Message to all bloggers:


Go to the "layout" section of your blog, and click "Add a page element". There, you will find a thing that says, "blog list". It's an advanced version of the "links list". Type in your favorite blogs, and the blog list will show the blogs you listed. It will also show you what their latest post is, and tell you how long ago they wrote it! It's an awesome feature.

Message to all readers:

Check the right side of my blog. There you will see that feature. Oh, and don't forget to watch out for killer penguins. They're dangerous. But there is a rumor that some penguins are good. Have you seen any penguins that are good? Comment on this blog and name them.

Did You Know? Fact 5

And now... It's time for... Did You Know?


Fact 5: Did you know that the song "Rock A-Bye Baby" has a tune that puts you to sleep, but has lyrics that give you nightmares?! I mean really! How you ever looked closely at the words?


Rock a-bye baby, on the tree top
when the wind blows, the cradle will fall.


Who wrote those words?! I have a few choice words for that guy! Like, "what", and "were", and "you", and "thinking". The words are enough to make you sick! How can he sing that song without being disgusted!


What's that? You already knew that? Well then, smarty, Did you know that the song "Ring Around the Rosie" is also a disgusting song? Look closely at the lyrics.


Ring around rosie, pockets full of posies
Ashes, ashes, we all fall down! (Annoying Laughter)


This actually is a song of ridicule. Ridicule of the bubonic plague (AKA The Black Death). You heard me right, the Black Death. All it takes is one person to catch it, then one sneeze in the wrong direction... Boom! It spreads like fire. This caused dark rings on the victims face, explaining the first part of the first verse. The superstitious peasants filled their pockets with posies (or flowers) to ward of the disease, explaining the second part of the first verse. The bodies were then burned to prevent the spreading of the disease, causing ashes, and explaining the first part of the second verse. The plague struck people so fast that they could be sneezing in the morning and dead by evening. Some fell down when their sudden death struck, explaining the second part of the second verse.


From now on, whenever you sing "Rock A-Bye Baby" or "Ring Around the Rosie", you know the ugly truth.


Well, you know it now! And don't you forget it!

Did You Know? Fact 4

And now, it's time for... Did You Know?

Fact 4: Did you know that the state that consumes the most ice cream is Alaska? Did you know that you can buy a domesticated penguin off the Internet? Did you know that most weather reports have a 50% chance of being 50% wrong? Did you know that when I sleep, I make sounds like Chewbacca? Did you know that turtle meat can be used to make turtle soup? Did you know that penguins were once hunted and used for oil? Did you know that when one sheep jumps off a cliff, the rest follow it? Did you know that "sanguine" is the only word that rhymes with "penguin"?

Well, you know it now! And don't you forget it!

DS Report 8: Funny Pictures 2

DS Report 7: The Tale of Camel-Aboo

Have you ever heard of the tale of Camel-Aboo? Ahh, it is a grand story. It is definitely one to be heard. But to hear it, you must come closer. Please, come closer. No, closer. What don't you understand about closer!? Grunt. Too close. Ahh, that's better. Now, let me tell you of this lamp. It's not an oil lamp. Nor is it triggered by rubbing. No, this is an electric lamp triggered by this switch. It was made by Edison-Aboo. But that is another story. Camel-Aboo was a man of few possessions. All he had was a camel, a pack full of salesmen goods, and this electric lamp. Do not be fooled by it's common looks. Wait! Come back! Do not switch to another blog! This is no ordinary lamp! It is not what is on the outside, but what is inside. An electric circuit to be exact. Anyway, it all happened on a dark night of dark deeds.

Many Arabian nights before

Long ago, in the town of Camelsville, there lived a salesman named Camel-Aboo. He sold ice cold Slushies and hot dogs. Along with him was his trusted sidekick, The Camel. It's easier to remember his name that way. One day, while he was wandering the streets of Camelsville, he saw the lamp. He picked it up curiously, and examined it. When he flipped the switch and the light snapped on, he dropped it in surprise. It did not bite. So, slowly, he picked it up again. He saw it generated light. He flipped the switch again. The light turned off! "This is amazing!" He thought. "I must duplicate this device!" And he did. Through many explosions and electrocutions, he succeeded.

Although this made the people very happy to not go blind at the age of ten, it did not make all of the citizens of Camelsville happy. One man, Jafar, owner of Jafar Oil Lamps Incorporated, was going out of business. He needed to get that lamp, duplicate it, and destroy Camel-Aboo's salesman stand. With that, his future in the lamp-making business would be secure.

Scuffling reached the ears of The Camel. If he could talk (which he couldn't, mind you) he would have told Camel-Aboo about this. But he couldn't. It was Jafar! He was about to grab a lamp when Camel-Aboo walked past. Jafar quickly jumped into a bush. Unfortunately, it was a rose bush. "Oww! Oww!" Jafar exclaimed. "Sticker Bushes! Sticker Bushes! Sticker Bushes!"

"Who's there?" Camel-Aboo said. "Show yourself."

"It's just me," Jafar said, "It's Jafar."

"Oh, Jafar. What are you doing here?"

"Well, I'm... hunting for desert rabbits."

"Oh. Bye." With that, Camel-Aboo walked away.

Jafar grabbed a lamp and roared an evil laugh. Just then, The Camel spit at the light bulb. You know that electrical circuits and liquid don't go well together, so the bulb exploded and Jafar got electrocuted.

"Stupid camel," Jafar seethed, "Take that!" Jafar kicked The Camel. The Camel tipped over and knocked over a line of lamps like dominos. This caused the building behind them to collapse. As the building was collapsing, Camel-Aboo rushed in to save his camel. Right before they were buried, Jafar yelled to Camel-Aboo, "Give me the lamp!"

"Oh, okay." Camel-Aboo handed Jafar a lamp.

Jafar laughed another evil laugh and ran away. Jafar ran back to Jafar Lamps Incorporated. He didn't see the rock in the doorway to the building, so he tripped. The lamp flew out of his hands and hit an oil barrel. The barrel broke open, and the light bulb broke. Sparks flew everywhere, including on the oil.

As Camel-Aboo and his camel cleaned up the rubble and repaired the lamps, they saw an explosion over at Jafar Oil Lamps Incorporated. Not knowing what it was, they shrugged (including the camel) and went back to work.

While Camel-Aboo became the Middle East's number one supplier of electric lamps, Jafar settled for the life of a salesman, selling the unique Chocolate Jabar. I bet you're thinking this story sounds familiar. Well, copyright infringement usually does. You're probably also wondering what the moral of the story is, too. Sorry, but there is no moral. This story is only supposed to tell you how electricity came about in the Middle East. Now, leave me alone. I'm a salesman too, you know. And I have to sell some Sultine Crackers. Get it? Sultan? Saltine? Oh, never mind.

Goodbye.

DS Report 6: A Jumble of Silliness

I have an urgent report for all you people out there! The movie, "The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian" has come out in theaters! If you haven't seen it yet, go watch it! If you've already seen it, go watch it again! (I know I did!) If you've already seen twice, buy it when it comes out on DVD!

Oh, and I saw a dead squirrel today. Road Kill! When will they learn to stay on the sidewalks!

And another thing I want to talk about is... Left-handed people. I mean, really! Is there anything more annoying, than using the keyboard after they did, and the mouse is on the wrong side! Don't these people know they shouldn't be different! (I don't need to tell you if I'm joking or not. Just look at the title!)

Hey, hey, peoples, I'm a frog!
I love fuzzy, polliwogs!

There once was a magical tuna, who lived in the great white sea.
He lived next to a scary shark, who had him with ice tea!

There once was a magical penguin, who lived in Shakespeare's tree.
He lived next to another penguin, who was rehearsing Hamlet part three!

copyright 2008. All right reserved. "DS" is a trademark of Drew's Blog, sponsored by the American Penguin Factory.

DS Report 5: A train of thought

DS Report 5

Have you ever wondered how the mind comes up with answers?
Example: Someone asks you, "Can you tell me where you hid your money?"
How does the mind come up with an answer? Here's how: First, the mind thinks of one of the words in the question and goes from there. The mind chooses "tell". Here is what the mind is thinking, "Tell. William Tell. Told. For whom the bells toll. Earnest Hemingway. Ernie and Bert. Bert. The one with the big nose. Nose/No's. Plural of 'No'." The brain's conclusion, "No."

But what if the brain chooses a different word? Say... "Can". Here it goes! Can. Canned meat. Meat. Nice to meet you. You/U. U is shaped like a horseshoe. Shoe. Your shoes are untied.
Un-tied. Un. Negative. Negative answer. Such as "No". The conclusion, "No."

So you see, this is how the brain works. Next time you contemplate your answer to a question, try to work out the answer this way. Hope you found this Downright Silly!